Is This It?!

Yesterday afternoon I called Dr. RF's office for test results. Both heart (rhythm) monitor and echocardiogram turned out normal.

I've still been having noticeable palpitations several times a day. So I asked the clerk who read me the results to schedule a follow-up appointment with Dr. RF.

Later I told John everything but he wasn't pleased.

"No words from the doctor?"

"Are you supposed to conclude yourself that you just had a panic attack since the echocardiogram shows no signs of MVP?" he said.

I wasn't thinking much of it. In my mind at that moment was that I needed to know what to watch for in the future because the doctor mentioned hearing a click in my heart. What should I do if the palpitations never go away? Thus I made an appointment anyway.

After John's remarks I did think it's a bit sloppy on the clinic / doctor part. When I saw him last, he didn't tell me what's next after the tests. If a person goes to test for HIV, doesn't he/she get info or a lecture on safe sex? Since when the additional step has become a luxury? Is our medical resource so bankrupt that the doctor doesn't have a minute to drop little comments in my charts?

You think I should be relieved learning that I don't have MVP?

Not exactly.

My sister, a stay-home mom, who lives across the Pacific, has similar symptoms (and chest pain) sometimes but never diagnosed with anything wrong with her. (MVP runs in the family.)

Perhaps we all get very stressed, at different phases of life, across the ocean, and FREEK OUT.

I admit that I have been under stress from work, guests, and planning our future. But to cause anxiety attack is puzzling. John and I enjoy the outdoors very much. We always do something like beach or hiking trips on the weekends and we've been swimming twice a week since January and for relaxation. It's hard to believe all these activities don't help alleviate any stress from me.

I have also read on Web MD that although echocardiogram is the best way to determine MVP, it's very hard to detect unless reviewed carefully by very experienced cardiologist. I'm not doubting my cardiologist. It's just everyone is different. I remember one time I had slight fever but my body temperature showed normal. The nurse was ready to dismiss me but the physician was thoughtful and experienced enough to "know" my regular body temperature was lower than average (normal) thus diagnosed that I had slight fever.

Sigh, I don't want either MVP or panic attack as the diagnosis for my recent episodes. My health is in my hands. If the doctor doesn't bother to address to me, I just have to pay to see him again.

On Going Journey

/ Monday 04.26.2004 /


90+ degrees in SD; 95 in El Cajon and it broke the record. I went to see cardiologist Dr. RF in Hillcrest. He listened to my heart and said there seemed to be loud clicks. Then he explained to me that some people were born with the potential of stretchy valves (mitral?) and would developed into XXX around age 20 to 40. (I couldn't remember what he said exactly.)

He suggested me taking echocardiogram and to wear a heart monitor (recorder) for 24 hours. He didn't make it sounded very serious unless my heart palpitations had gotten to a point I couldn't stand then he'd prescribe treament.

The echocardiogram was kind of interesting. I could see my own hear beating on the monitor then the technician took serious of pictures from 3 angles. Then I was wired to a cassette recorder type of device, which came with a belt-pouch.

There I was walking around with a machine on such a hot day but couldn't shower...



/ Tuesday 04.27.2004 /


Yes, I wore the heart monitor to work but covered the wires and recorder quite well with a loose button down shirt. No one noticed it. However, I had to show it to my boss to ask to leave work early again to return the device to the clinic.

She seemed concerned after to-my-best-attempt repeat of what the doctor had told me.

"It's scary. If you do have THAT, will you be needing a surgery?" my boss asked.

"The doctor didn't say it's serious. So... I guess we'll just wait for the analysis." I replied, trying to be calm.

Later I looked up on Web MD to find possible matching valve problems that fit the descriptions. I found I might have MVP (Mitral Valve Prolapse). It's said to affect 2-6 percent of population. For the most part not life-threatening and doesn't need treatment. It may be the reason why I sometimes have unexplained lightheadedness or dizziness. Now, everyday noticeable heart palpitations that resemble the symptoms of panic attacks.

It's still early to say until I find out the results.

John picked me up in the afternoon and took me to the clinic. Most unbelievable thing was that we, the patients, had to pay for parking. Scripps Mercy, UCSD Medical Group, and many other hospitals and clinics clustered in this area. We couldn't believe that being sick was hard enough and we had to pay rates such as $1 for 20 minutes.

Good Grief!


Update: I did get my digital camera back from Jack & Giulio's. Thank heavens!

Nearly There

Last night, they announced in the news that the latest median housing price in San Diego was $494 K. Nearly half a million!

It was no more than 2 weeks ago I remembered gasping about $43X K median price over nightly news. In such sort time real estate gains with bite-my-tongue-off speed. No wonder Mr. Schwarzenegger is so well off.

Long before we moved here, we knew we weren't going to plan anywhere near home ownership route. Must we live 2 hours away from work? No, we have a choice. Our days in So. Cal. would be filled with fun and when we're done we could dust the sand good-bye.

One could choose to be a sun-bathing bum but not me.

Running Out of Sick Days?!

Last full day for visiting in-laws. We didn't visit the "world famous" San Diego Zoo as discussed but went to PB instead. Who could miss such a perfect beach day?

They picked me up 12 pm sharp since I only asked for half day off. We then rushed to PB for lunch first. Joyce (John's mom) really wanted to go to Cass Street Bar & Grill though we didn't particularly care for going. She always liked that place ever since Kate (John's eldest sister) took her there.

"Kate just loves their Oriental Chicken Salad! She likes it so much that she DRINKS the dressing after eating everything on the plate." Joyce was very excited to get another taste of Oriental Chicken Salad.

Are there routines for vacations?

You bet cha!

Joyce wanted Oriental Chicken Salad from Cass Street just about every time she came to San Diego and Henry (John's dad) always asked to take a ride to Cardiff By the Sea and then had fish tacos from Las Olas, a little Mexican restaurant facing HWY 101 and the Pacific. That we did yesterday.

"There are a lot of people here for a Tuesday. Don't people have to work?" Henry seemed to be puzzled by the crowd down at the beach around 2 pm.

Spring Break should be over by then. It's the 3rd week of April. Though there are tons tourists in San Diego all year round, the group playing horseshoe in front of us looked oddly familiar to me. They seemed to be some fraternity guys from SDSU that I saw sometimes while waiting for the buses right next to a fraternity house.

Great looking young men and women passed by. You know they are mostly Californians, not tourists. I suppose when you live here for a while you can spot the natives, migraters, or tourists. We are often mistaken as tourists -- that says something about our "fitting in" issue, doesn't it?

Students may be skipping classes; some people could take a sick day out seeking beach therapy. We saw in a gift shop a T-shirt with a surfer dude printed at font and read "I'm running out of sick days, so I'm calling in dead." Joyce and I giggled about it for a good half-day.

My work employs an interesting holiday benefits: for the first year, a fulltime employee will receive one week paid vacation days but not included in regular pay-period. He/she will receive a check of one week's pay on the anniversary date's pay-period. In other words, any time we miss work, we don't get paid and if we don't work there for a full year, we lose vacation pay. We don't have paid personal days or paid sick days, either. No work, no pay. It's that simple.

John's work offers paid personal days / sick days. In the past, the management never asked the employees when or why they took personal days as long as they didn't run out. His co-workers had been leaving early telling the guys in adjacent cubicles, "I'm going to the beach." He had done the same thing without telling anybody--simply picked up his bag, sign off how many hours he took--and left. Recently, managers had requested them to give legitimate excuses for using personal days / sick days.

Employers sure need to come up with something to deal with "beach therapy" in Southern California, don't they?


Note:

PB = Pacific Beach
SDSU = San Diego State University

Jack & Giulio's

Sun 04.18.2004


We celebrated John's birthday at Jack & Giulio's Sunday night. His parents and eldest sister came from the Midwest for this occasion. Or, I should say a family get-together since we missed the holidays last year?

John had though of going to Jack & Giulio's again but we couldn't quite afford to eat there as often as we liked. For our 6th wedding anniversary (this January) we walked in there by chance for the first time but instantly fell in love with the wonderful Italian cuisine they served. Yes, we had been thinking about trying the "40 Year Favorites" on the menu for a while. His sister, having been living here for 4~5 years, usually made great entertainment suggestions but John wanted to make sure very badly that we'd go to Jack & Giulio's for his birthday.

"Italian restaurant in Old Town?" It even sounded odd to his sister.

I bet most people thought there were only Mexican restaurants in Old Town, ha! (Oh, you'd be surprised.)

Last time we're there, our server told us that they owned another Italian restaurant in NYC and that's it. The chef had been cooking all his life. This restaurant was located in Point Loma then moved to Old Town a couple of years ago. We believed it's been around for a long time as the menu suggested 40 years. There was a lady in her 50s coming in with friends and recommended tons of stuff to her companions and I would tell she's a regular. Later I found out it used to be in Pacific Beach not Point Loma. Perhaps, it moved twice?

It is a moderate-priced restaurant for the most part but entrees on 40 Year Favorites menu are all around $20 a plate. For the quality and flavor you will enjoy, I think it's worth very penny.

John had special of the day, some kind of seafood pasta with red sauce (including half a lobster) -- I can't remember the name. His dad ordered "Lasagna della Casa" (House Lasagna). His mom and sister shared a plate of Rigatoni with Marinara sauce. As a general rule, John likes to order basic red sauce dishes when he tries an Italian restaurant for the first time as the sauce is the key to him. For me, I always order a tofu dish if I try a Chinese restaurant for the first time. If the chef can make tofu, something most people think bland, tastes good, I would definitely go back for other dishes. So, John recommended the Lasagna to his dad since that's what he had last time. Of course, it's good.

I ordered the best dishes the whole night. I had "Insalata Cuore di Palma" (Hearts of Palm Salad). The dressing is olive oil vinaigrette blended in basil thus light green in color -- probably the best vinaigrette I've tasted. Then I ordered "Scampi Alla Giulio" (butterflied shrimp saut�ed with mushroom in white wine sauce) from the "40 Year Favorites" menu. When I took a bite of the mushroom, it was so incredible that honestly I'd cry. Everyone tried a few bites and couldn't believe button mushrooms could be so tasty. The jumbo shrimps were lightly breaded -- usually I'm not crazy about breaded seafood but they were just wonderful and almost tasted like lobsters.

We brought in 2 bottles of wines (one red & one white) for the night and paid $12.50 cork fee. I couldn't remember the exact name of red: Salice Salentino Rosso DOC of Taurino winery from Apulia, Italy. This southern Italian winery is probably best known for producing quality inexpensive everyday table wines. I only had a sip so couldn't tell much. Since I had shrimp, my drink of the night was Montes Chardonnay 2002 from Chile. It is also inexpensive and rated in upper 80s by a few wine magazines. We don't care for white wines much but for the occasion we picked Chilean Chardonnay for it's drier than Californian ones. It was great with the salad and scampi I ordered. I wouldn't say it's the best match for the shrimp but John claimed a sip of Montes Chardonnay after eating the shrimp creating vanilla-like after taste.

A small plate of pasta with Marinara sauce came with my order. Surprisingly, the white wine held up to the red sauce and in harmony. I was really amazed. I know I will change my views of Chardonnays forever.

For the finale, I had Tiramisu. Just heavenly! John's sister tried the flourless torte but it didn't impress her a bit. I really did order the best dishes the whole night.

The food was so wonderful that I left my digital camera there. Need to call them later...

Much Ado About Nothing

Sat 04.17.2004


Friday morning, John picked up his dad and drove him to the hotel to check in. Dad booked another room for his sister and friend for the weekend. We were off the hook for hosting two people in our crammed one-bedroom apartment. It cost him $130 a night.

"They don't want to sleep on the floor." Dad said.

John's family had no idea of my recent panic attacks (heart palpitation episodes).

Things worked out perfectly.

We need a little pressure of having visitors so John would really clean up house.

It's crazy that such pressure would give me anxiety. There must be something else...

Scary Stuff (2)

Last night, I had an "episode" of stuffy chest & diarrhea. I almost thought I had to go to ER again but John calmed me down.

John's parents are visiting us tomorrow. His oldest sister and a good fried of hers are also coming.

His sister and friend want to stay with us then borrow our car to drive to Mexico. Well, it's hard for us to say no to her for both accounts since she's always been really nice to us. But there's liability issue for lending them car to drive to foreign country. Also, our apartment is small. We don't sleep in the bedroom because we don't have a bed. We sleep on a futon in the living room. During the day, we fold up the futon to be a couch. In our bedroom, we store a lot of boxes of stuff such as winter clothes or books we own but don't need to use often. Basically, our bedroom is like a storage space with a computer desk. It is OK for one person to sleep in the bedroom (on the floor). Last year, John's oldest sister stayed with us for a few days and slept on the floor. However, for 2 people, it's very tight. Perhaps, she didn't remember that well and thought 2 people could fit in there. Well, we don't know her friend that well. So, that's the main thing I don't want them to stay with us. But we can't say no. Well, she called us and said they'd rent a car but still want to stay with us (total 4~5 nights). John and I talked it over and decided to let them stay over for the weekend but difficult for weekdays since we still need to go to work.

The truth is I can't deal with that many people in our small space. I feel losing privacy that way plus they can't be very comfortable. If we had 2 bedrooms, I wouldn't mind 2 or 3 guests staying over.

Anyway, I don't know why I'm so stressed out about this but I think it contributes to my anxiety issue / heart condition. Last night we went out to buy a few cleaning supplies and after we got home, I started to have weird feelings. I felt really stuffy around my chest like someone put heavy stuff on it and even around my throat. I also had diarrhea since yesterday afternoon. Then I got really scared thinking my heart condition possible gotten worse. I started feeling cold and shivering. Then I was in tears.

John was pretty confident that my heart should be fine but the unknown anxiety had caused all the symptoms. He read descriptions on the Internet to me and talked to me for a while. Finally, I calmed down and felt better.

I hate to see myself become that way. There are just things I'm not aware of...

Well, I'm always strong. Probably too strong and try to take care of everything myself. I don't show much emotion in public or social occasions. Sometimes it's good to release frustrations, like yelling or punching pillows. But I can never bring myself to do those things. Perhaps I have cumulated too much stress inside not even knowing.

Notes:

When I went to Urgent Care center to check up for heart palpitations, I wasn't scared or anything. I just thought I'd better get checked.

But this "episode" resembles classic panic attack. I don't know if it could be described as "out of the blue" because I've noticed heart palpitations for a while and I became too concerned of the conditions, I guess.

Scary Stuff (1)

I've been having heart palpitation (pounding hard) for over a week now. It just happens randomly a few times a day and seems to increase in frequency. So, I called doctors' offices to schedule appointments but no doctor can see me any time soon. One suggested me to go to emergency room in case it could be something serious. Last Friday, John took me to Urgent Care instead of Emergency Room (at Scripps Mercy Hospital - Hillcrest) because I felt ER really was for life threatening situations. We went there about 8 pm but didn't leave until 1:30 am. We waited a while to see the doctor then they took EKG/ECG, chest X-ray, blood and urine samples, and put me on heart monitor for 2~3 hours.

They didn't find anything wrong with me. Of course, there are things they won't be able to diagnose at Urgent Care center. (They know I'm not going to have a heart attack.) So, the doctor referred me to a Cardiologist.

I called the Cardiologist's office for an appointment. They wanted to know if I had history of anxiety. Well, I didn't. I'm always pretty healthy and exercising regularly. It's hard to imagine that I have heart problem. I talked to my boss and she said it could be anxiety. Her mother-in-law had similar condition but doctors couldn't find anything wrong with her.

I thought to myself what could possibly give me anxiety? I don't think my work is that stressful. Plus I've been swimming, which is a great way to relax. I don't have major crisis with personal life either. I really don't understand what's going on??? Anyway, I'm going to the Cardiologist in 2 weeks.

Wyland

There's a painting of ocean life at the entrance hall of my office: pale sun in the mist of clouds, azure waves crushing rocky shores and under the mystic blue water, various tropical fish swimming around a humpback whale(?).

I've been acquainted with this painting for 15 months but never think much of it. After "Finding Nemo" craze, every time we walk by, my co-worker Tamyra would comment, "This looks like Finding Nemo scene."

"Yeah�" most of the time I reply rather unenthusiastically.

It seems ordinary to me. I've seen too many paintings or art prints of the same style. It probably is just some commercial print.

Things changed since last weekend after we went in Wyland's gallery in the heart of downtown La Jolla. We were drawn in by the dolphin sculptures. I had not known there were artists devoted their work to marine life and promote environmental protection. Robert Wyland is probably the most known environmental marine life artist.

We talked through the 2-floor gallery exhibiting mostly Wyland's work and admired every single piece. Yes, the mystic style was very familiar. I'd seen a lot of it. Could those paintings be Wyland's or some copycats?

Later I did a little search on Wyland on the Internet and learnt a little more about him. (You can too. :)

Monday I returned to work and immediately recognized that signature as soon as I passed the painting. It was one of Wyland's.

Now the ordinary painting distracts my attention -- every morning, noon, evening -- every time I'm in and out of the office.

It is still the same painting but my view has changed.

Does it really matter that it is painted by a famous artist?

Perhaps I never really slow down my "office" pace to take a good look at it.

Perhaps it's not Wyland's best.

Perhaps we had it hung at the wrong corner.

It hasn't calmed my working class nerves, nor have it soothed any "computerized" muscles.

Day in and day out, it hangs out there. Nobody cares. No art could give this office a facelift.

Ocean? Ocean belongs to the weekends.